Living in Splitsville » Blog Archive » Officially on the Road to Old, Part 2

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August 11th, 2010 by Christina

Since my last post on this topic, I’ve accumulated more proof that getting older and becoming curmudgeonly/peculiar are inextricably linked (but maybe the self-awareness is somewhat mitigating?) The latest evidence:

I’m inclined to brag about my cholesterol levels. I had to stop myself from sharing the blood-test results from my latest physical with everyone in my office. Part of this I chalk up to the fact that I write about chronic medical conditions for a living and have become acutely aware of how precarious it all is. I didn’t make a formal announcement, but I’m considering putting up a sign in my cubicle: HDL: 87 LDL: 82 Triglycerides: 53.
It’s time for trendiness and I to part ways. The first thing to go is the royal-blue toenail polish (with a daisy decal on the big toe) that I misguidedly chose for my last pedicure. Funky colors work on my teenage daughter, but do not flatter my ropey size 9 1/2, 46-year-old feet. Next time I’ll stick with a nice neutral tone and no designs.
I’m aghast at the sexualization of absolutely everything. My daughter came home with a shopping bag from Abercrombie & Fitch, which features a toned male torso. My first thought was: “I say, young man! Put on a shirt for goodness sake.” Yesterday I was at Sephora (clearly a nickname for Sodom and Gomorrah). Among the store’s many demonic offerings is a line of makeup called The Orgasm Collection. I really thought I was hallucinating when I saw this. While the O word has been splashed across the cover of women’s magazines for years, I can’t believe it’s now an acceptable moniker for shades of lip gloss and nail polish. (What happened to “Revlon Red” and “Wine with Everything?” Weren’t those racy enough?). And to think that in my day, it was mortifying to bring a box of Stayfree mini-pads to the cashier!
I know I’m right and that the world IS going to hell in a hand basket (see photo).
I had a dream that I was shaving my face.

10 Responses

Laura writes:

August 11th, 2010 at 8:59 am

This is hilarious. I totally agree with you about the O collection. It’s ridiculous. I’m surprised at this point someone doesn’t have a line of garbage bags called the Orgasm 13-gallon bag. Please.

I’ve forgotten already what those cholesterol numbers mean but congrats!

Elizabeth writes:

August 11th, 2010 at 8:59 am

I am so with you on this! I was embarrassed to wear anything but white or the classic days of the week underwear. I was just looking for some for my ten year old girl and OMG. a padded bra for a 10 yr old!!!!

I can’t believe there is the orgasm collection…wow

Denise writes:

August 11th, 2010 at 9:14 am

I gotcha, I agree, and I can’t even go IN Abercrombie (I’m afraid they’ll kick me out, in my Target shorts, for one thing, but also it’s too loud and too smelly). But the toenail polish? I’m 44 and currently have purple. Two weeks ago it was blue. My boys asked me to get green next time and I’m considering it. The purple, I think, compliments my bunion.

Christina writes:

August 11th, 2010 at 9:17 am

The funniest part was that while I was at Sephora, there was a cleaning lady casually dusting and polishing that makeup display, oblivious to the word ORGASM in huge letters below her. I wanted to take a photo–it was so absurd.

Yogurt Mountbatten writes:

August 11th, 2010 at 12:22 pm

I love this posting Christina and can relate, alas, as I see my face and body morph into something out of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? But we must soldier on! Straight-razors and all.

Rachel writes:

August 11th, 2010 at 1:16 pm

Ha Ha Ha!

In my case, I find myself wanting to say to my daughter what my mother said to me, “That outfit leaves NOTHING to the imagination!,” for instance… And she’s one of the more discrete amongst her crowd.

Ricki writes:

August 11th, 2010 at 2:12 pm

I agree with most – BUT… have to totally disagree with the nail-polish. Not only because I happen to have blue nail polish with a daisy on it right now, but even more so because I saw you the other day with it and thought it looked amazing on you and even complemented your outfit and even complimented you on it. It seems to me your self-critic is W-R-O-N-G on this one. W-R-O-N-G. (Sorry critic!)

Christina writes:

August 11th, 2010 at 3:43 pm

Once again, I seem to have stepped on your toes, Ricki. The blue w/daisy looks great on your dainty feet–and I blatantly copied you, as you know. Thank you. I’ll tell my self-critic to get a life.

Of course, I am most delighted by your accurate use of complement and compliment in the same sentence. Beautiful!

Joanne Gallo writes:

August 12th, 2010 at 8:52 am

Your cholesterol levels ARE really impressive. I would tell everyone.

Yes, sex everywhere—and it’s becoming oppressive. Is it too late to shove it back in the closet? I’m ready to boycott it.

Most people look better with more clothes on.

I sound old.

Mary Lebeau writes:

August 18th, 2010 at 9:55 am

I remember when “Cherries in the Snow” was considered the sexiest lipstick name.

Old, old, old.