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Desperately Seeking a Man who Knows how to Use an Apostrophe
May 15th, 2009 by Christina

And so I dipped a toe into the kooky world of online dating. I looked at lots of profiles of men who theoretically fit my criteria and whom the site had deemed “95-percent matches” for me. In most cases, I so did not agree.

Now is when I reveal just how intolerant I can be at times. I am a huge language snob–sometimes obnoxiously vocal when people make grammatical and spelling errors, and bordering on homicidal when people describe something as “very unique” or use “impact” as a verb. (At the moment, I bristle at “uptick.”)

So there I was, finally ready to let loose and embark on a carefree midlife dating adventure and I felt like I had been plunged into a verbal hell. I was horrified–I mean, horrified in italics–to discover just how many men cannot spell or punctuate or even be bothered to use the toolbar functions that will do those things for you. (Is it really too much to click on spell check? And if you won’t even do that much to find true love, what does that say?) Worse was the heavy reliance on cliches that plagued the profiles, turning all men into generic  “easygoing,”  candlelight-loving, moonlit-beach-walking, special-someone-seeking clones.

Was there anyone out there who had a nuanced personality? Who didn’t feel the need to state that he “lives life to the fullest” or “knows how to treat a lady like a lady,” or, my favorite: “enjoys good food.” I won’t even get into the swarms of men who think it’s OK (perhaps even cute?) to refer to themselves with lower-case i’s or who use apostrophes to make words plural.

Clearly, this was not going to be easy for me. My spiritual yoga friend has a refrigerator magnet that says “Leap and the Net will Appear.” Well, I leapt, and there was the net, crammed full of my pet peeves. I wondered what William Safire was doing Saturday night.

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3 Responses  
me writes:
May 15th, 2009 at 6:37 pm

Love the title! This one is very funny. (They’re all very funny, but this one is like living it all over again! (both with you AND my own online torture)). But what makes it even better is that I’m in it! (At least I think it’s me). By the way, my DAD first gave me a card with that quote on it when I left advertising and was TOTALLY FREAKING OUT. It WAS my net. Doug got that magnet years later, not knowing about my history with it.

Living in Splitsville » Blog Archive » The Armchair Dater writes:
June 10th, 2009 at 8:54 am

[...] seemed to be no way around the word easygoing, however, so I  let that one go; I was taken with one guy for a few weeks, but eventually lost [...]

Living in Splitsville » Blog Archive » Baby, We Were Born to Run-On writes:
August 9th, 2009 at 7:44 pm

[...] chimed in with my horror stories about the many incoherent online-dating profiles I’ve faced, and my friends agreed that poorly-written profiles are unacceptable. (Turns out [...]

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